Friday, August 17, 2012

Friday, 8/17 12:45 in the morning

I am in total shock. Our little Bravo has passed away. I've been on the phone tonight with Dr. Darcy 3 times, all after boxes. I showed Bravo to everyone on the cam at the very end of boxes, as I was then going in to get some sleep. When I showed Bravo, I also put him on the floor to let people see how wonderful he could already walk, partially with his torso up. I then went into the house with him and started getting him ready for bed. After about 20 minutes, I noticed he started breathing heavily and mewed strangely. I called Dr. Darcy because his color quickly became pasty looking. What followed in approximately the next 25 minutes was a pure nightmare. Dr. Darcy had me do several things to try and help him. He urinated, had trouble breathing, his body temp quickly declined, his color became worse, he vomited, then became unresponsive and within that short amount of time, he passed away, while I was still trying to do the things suggested.

I am totally heart broken over this. These are the things that make me ask myself how much can I take of these poor sweeties that pass away here. Sometimes I think I cannot experience any more sadness.

Dr. Darcy talked to Dr. P who quickly suggested that there were more things wrong with Bravo than we knew about. We found out during his surgery that physically things with his legs were not normal. On the one leg, there was no sciatic nerve, there were muscles missing, some of the tissue was like jelly—all abnormalities. The 2 leg deformities were abnormal in themselves. Dr. Darcy and I talked (and cried) at great length. She felt that we could not have put off his surgery any longer, so we can’t suggest that we should’ve waited longer. She again went over the drugs used—all very safe and still would be her protocol of anesthetic drugs. It was brought up that something within himself failed—an organ that possibly was also deformed.

In the afternoon, he had been eating by himself. He also “walked” around in the house by himself several times, still lifting that torso up. Dr. Darcy and I was elated. He also took a comfortable nap with Graciela. These are all things that assured me that all was fine with Bravo. But somewhere, sometime very quickly after boxes, something went wrong. Very wrong. I will not have an autopsy done. Dr. Darcy and Dr. P both felt that his death was out of our control, beyond anything that could’ve been done to save him, given how quickly this all took place.

Please don’t ask me the WHY question. The vets don’t know and I don’t know. Why did this happen? I don’t know that either. All I do know is that I would still take that little boy in again and again and yet again, if he was presented to me, even knowing the heartbreak it would cause. Sometimes we are not meant to know the WHY. But, Dr. Darcy and I both feel, that with every death, something good will come of it. I have always felt that way. I HAVE to always figure something out each and every time so that there’s some sense of it. All I do know right now is that Bravo was extremely loved, he made us all laugh and smile, he brightened our lives and made our hearts grow. Words cannot describe how his death hurts and saddens me. I also know that his passing will cause many tears all around the world. As terrible as this feels, I am thankful that God had given me the chance to have Bravo and the ability to continue to go on. Sometimes I think that I cannot possibly do this again. And then….another kitty or cat comes to the door. I wish I could take this terrible sadness away from all of you, but I cannot. Please know that although my heart is terribly sad and aching, I can still feel a deep appreciation and gratitude for all of the love you give to our FFRC cats. I am grateful to you for giving that love thru the cam to this rescue center.

As I was starting to prepare Bravo for bedtime, I was chatting away to him. The last thing I told him, minutes before this awful event started, was that there was no way I could ever let him leave—he was to be an FFRC cat forever. He belonged to all of us.

Please know if I could take this heartache away, I would. It's because we care so much, that the heartache is so great. We will continue our rescue and open our hearts again and again to these wonderful cats.